Oh how we grow. Last month, I realized my heart felt and very tender. My dad died 20 years ago. He died holding my sister Sandy’s hand. Funny how I did not appreciate my parents when I was young. Not like I do now. Even their mistakes are significant to me today. I’m learning even now from their goodness, their sacrifices, their pioneering ways, their stances, their efforts, their intelligence, their education – as well as their ignorance in some areas or narrowness in others. Oh, how we grow. Of course as a stepparent and spiritual parent, I have better understanding regarding the decisions my parents made and why. Segue – I married a man with two children almost 18 years ago and now I realize also my influence was important then and still is today. When we married, I wanted the kids to love, respect and honor their dad. I emphasized Father’s day and his birthday and even Christmas. When they were growing up, I saw myself as an ADD On. However, God corrected me years ago and showed me how the spouses of their parents were as worthy of honor as the biological parents. I am sharing because when they were growing up, I did not see the need for them to honor me. I had what I now realize was a lack of entitlement (did not need it) and my desire for them to love their dad overshadowed Truth. Unknowingly, I imparted a disrespect to them in the area of authority and parenting by not helping them honor their other parents. If you are a stepparent or spiritual parent – please do not disregard yourself as unimportant. It is not wise. Oh, how we grow.
Back to my story – we did not have much growing up but they did the best they could with what they had – and now – I get it. And oh do I miss my dad and mom. I miss my dads hugs and I miss my moms scent. I missed her most because she lead me into Truth and loved me unconditionally.
I miss my moms wisdom and my dads sense of humor. She created cards for me. She celebrated. I have one of the cards she made me even today. Now, I send texts. It’s sad but seems to be the value others place on holidays or birthdays. So, I’m adjusting. I miss her soft skin and I miss his laugh. I miss her handwriting – not a text with limited connection. I miss her life and the ability to see her face to face. My parents talked about everything. They expressed their opinion to one another. They did not always agree but that was okay. I remember his voice. I don’t remember hers … Oh, how we grow.
I do recall my dad blessing us with a prayer and his words before he passed away. We all held hands. It was miraculous.
I have better respect for him and her now. She was kind and she wanted relationship with me. She wanted to spend time with me. Mom liked me as I was -a messed up broken needy kid who wanted to be loved. She introduced me to Jesus. It was her greatest gift to me – His love and His courage … that I committed to later in life. She did not see me learn Spanish or play the guitar – two things I wanted to do when I was a little girl. That’s okay.
Though she died young, she was courageous. Sometimes she is why I don’t give up. Sometimes she is why I reach out to others. Sometimes she is why I shut my mouth. A woman with few words whose words were impactful when she used them. Kind. Did I mention kind? Did I mention her unconditional love? Did I mention she made room to know me and wanted to know me? I miss that kind of connection. Few want to get to know others.
Yea. I miss her relationship. I miss how she encouraged me. She was sincere and intentional. She was smart and creative. I’m still learning from her….Funny how those 18 years with her impacted me so greatly.
I miss what I could have learned from my dad had I honestly wanted to hear him or know him. Lots of missing without regret or darkness. I am simply acknowledging weaknesses that are not as prominent today…and wishing I had known them longer. They had value and I missed their worth when here on planet earth. 🌏 🌏 Living courageously from His light and their presence… one moment at a time. This earth time passes quickly … Oh, how we grow. Love, d